


my bed (i'll lay in it)

by bonsvii



Series: self comfort [5]
Category: A.C.E (Beat Interactive Band)
Genre: Angst, Graphic Description, Hopeful Ending, Introspection, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Other, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, autistic sehyoon, bk is trying his best, but it's not mentioned, i just wrote them as autistic in my mind, kind of hopeful anyway, nonbinary sehyoon, pure sadness honestly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:40:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27233626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bonsvii/pseuds/bonsvii
Summary: I'll toss and turn for every regret.
Relationships: Kim Byeongkwan/Kim Sehyoon | Wow
Series: self comfort [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1880740
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	my bed (i'll lay in it)

**Author's Note:**

> huge tw for self harm and suicide !!
> 
> i am NOT promoting self harm in any way, shape or form !! if you are considering self harm or are in recovery pls don't read this and stay safe <3
> 
> i write abt topics such as these as a coping mechanism and sehyoon's positive view of self harm is a projection of some of my darker inner feelings,, i got tired of mental illness being portrayed as so easily fixable and this was the result
> 
> title is taken from dirtbike by zheani

The corners of Sehyoon’s mouth quirk upwards as they inspect the blood trickling from the newly-inflicted wounds on their hips. They squeeze the skin together to encourage more blood out of the cuts, a thick crimson stream meandering down the swell of their thighs, running over old scars and healing cuts, smile widening at the sting. It’s probably wrong that they get so much enjoyment from this. No, scratch that, it’s  _ definitely  _ wrong that they get so much enjoyment from this. There’s got to be something royally fucked about it all, the highs and the lows, the pseudo-happiness they get from making themselves bleed. But, in all honesty, they don’t care that they’re probably (definitely) fucked up for this. Because it feels  _ good _ . It feels good like nothing else, awakens their senses, their emotions, in ways that nothing else in their miserable excuse of an existence does. Their pain is their power.

Byeongkwan wholeheartedly disagrees. Not that Sehyoon really cares about that. Byeongkwan doesn’t have to cut himself — that’s his decision and Sehyoon isn’t like one of those pro-self harm groups chanting to see blood. But they also wouldn’t discourage it, either. A small part of them wishes Byeongkwan would try it just once, just to experience the same relief that Sehyoon does. Maybe then he’d understand the appeal. Because there really  _ is _ an appeal for Sehyoon; it’s an addiction.They  _ like _ seeing the blood, they _ like _ pressing on the cuts to watch it dribble out and they  _ like _ the subsequent hurt. But, most of all, they like the scars left behind, the physical reminders, the tangible souvenirs; it’s their biggest work of art. They are their own canvas.

Byeongkwan tells them it’s unhealthy and that they should treat themselves with more care. He doesn’t understand that this  _ is _ care. Sehyoon is doing everything they can not to fall apart; this is the best way to do that. So what if it causes damage? So what if it’s not what society considers to be normal? If it prevents them from falling completely to pieces, from simply ceasing to exist at all, Sehyoon thinks it’s worth it. Because they can’t do that; they must never get to that point again. Byeongkwan doesn’t deserve to go through that a second time. Sehyoon isn’t even sure he  _ could _ go through it a second time. 

The first time Sehyoon had attempted to take their own life, Byeongkwan had been the one to find them. They’d swallowed a handful of pills — in hindsight, definitely not enough to do the job — and posted a slew of melodramatic goodbye tweets, not bothering with a note. Byeongkwan had, of course, seen them and walked in on them passed out on the bathroom floor. The next thing Sehyoon remembers from that night is waking up in hospital, Byeongkwan asleep in a chair next to them. He’d told the doctors that it was accidental, that Sehyoon had simply forgotten they’d already taken their medication, and that this had all been a terrible accident; he’d known even then that the healthcare system just isn’t built for people like Sehyoon. Sehyoon had been immensely grateful, had started falling in love with their best friend right then and there. 

Theirs is a pitiful excuse for a love story — an emotional masochist hellbent on ending their life and their painfully optimistic best friend desperate to save a lost cause. It was no surprise when there was no drastic change to Sehyoon’s mental health after they began dating. It wasn’t like in books or movies where the terribly misunderstood protagonist is instantaneously cured of all trauma from the harrowing events of their story when they meet their soulmate. Real life isn’t like that. Real life is shit. 

A knock at the door startles them, Byeongkwan complaining about needing a shower. There’s no dramatic moment when he bursts in to stop Sehyoon from continuing to slice into their skin, no comforting embrace to rid them of their worries, no gentle hands to wash away the blood and shame. Byeongkwan has no idea what they’re doing right now, will probably only find out days later, if at all. And Sehyoon likes it that way; it’s so much easier.

Sehyoon climbs into bed, laying on their side to feel maximum pressure on the fresh cuts, sighing happily as they feel the familiar, tingling burn. Their pyjamas will definitely be stained, Sehyoon knowingly having not blotted the blood well enough, but they can’t bring themselves to care much at this moment. Everything is just too tiring. 

It’s some time before Byeongkwan emerges from the bathroom, Sehyoon feigning sleep to avoid having to talk, the thought of which makes their stomach turn in discomfort. Byeongkwan snuggles close to them, his weight welcome and the smell of his caramel shampoo — picked especially for Sehyoon — sweet and soothing. 

Though the world feels as if it’s burning, Sehyoon feels something close to safety as they drift off to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading <3


End file.
